and my heart broke just a little

So these past couple weeks have been really really rough for me as a mother. I know that some people have the opinion that I don't have a clue when it comes to parenting siblings, but trust me not a one of those people have a CLUE what it is like to parent a child with Zach's kind of special needs and mix that with siblings who only see each other once a week and every other weekend. I grew up with an older brother and a yonger sister who was my shadow from the ages of 4-10, so I am FULLY aware of sibling rivalry. However, those issues of people voicing their clueless opinions has been dealt with. I had a very "nice" correspondence between myself and Gary's ex wife. I took up my issues with her friends and family "checking up" on me with her directly, and wanted to make sure that she was not concerned about Rylee when she is in my care. I am just like any other mother that stresses out about situations, but I use this venue as a way to vent my frustrations without taking them out on the kids.

My main concern in life right now really rests with Zach. His behavior is a great stress for me. I have been seeing a child behaviorist for the last 8 months. She had recommended that I have him tested for Sensory Integration Disorder, and I did. As a result of that he now sees a Occupational Therapist once a week for treatment of this disorder. It has certainly helped with the "ants in his pants" during school, but his overall behavior has not improved. For those that don't see him often it can appear as if he is an over active 5 year old boy, but trust me it is so much more then that. Very little disipline techniques work with Zach, everything new we try will work for a short period and then he is back to acting up. He is the kid running through the grocery store screaming, and jumping on shelves. I will literally have to go and grab him by the arms before he will focus his attention on me. A lot of what he does is situation and behavior inapporiate. So naturally people who don't know him or strangers in public look at me like I am a horrible mother. I am the parent of "that kid", the one nobody wants to play with because he is loud and doesn't know how to share or take turns properly. He is the kid who will tip over a board game because he is losing. The saddest part about all of this is that I know my son, and he has a heart of gold. He loves his sisters more then life, and can be the most sympathetic helper when I am not feeling well. However his special needs make him impulsive and unable to control his crazy behavior.

So this past week, I met with his behavior specialist and shared all of my concerns with this growing struggle hoping that she would be able to start working with him to get to the source. She said to me that she is beginning to think he needs to be tested for ADHD, and is begining to think that is what we are working with here. Now mind you that this was what I originally came to her about 8 months ago. Today Gary was reading the news online and found an article that I printed out about kids with ADHD, and Zach is EVERYTHING they listed under behavior traits. So now I am even more stressed thinking that if this is the case for him that most likely means that we are headed towards medication. I always said that I did not want to medicate him, but I seriously think that I am at a breaking point. I can not take another episode of him running through a store screaming for no reason, or having his teacher tell me that he was disruptive again in class.

I am trying so hard to be an advocate for Zach and let people know that he is really a good kid. As I was venting to the therapist last week, I started thinking of the family that has an appointment in the center at the same time as Zach that has a little girl with downs syndrome. It makes me think that things could be worse, and we could be struggling with that. But then I think, would that really be worse. This little girl is the sweetest thing and very friendly when I am sitting waiting. At least when her mother takes her in public people know she has special needs, my son is now labeled as special needs but it is not as obvious to people in public.

So when people tell me I am clueless, in a way they are right. I am clueless on how to move beyond this. I am clueless how to make the relationship between Zach and Rylee better because they don't understand each other because they are two totally different kids and Rylee can't possibly understand that her brother is not just being a pest but truely can't help himself. However, I am not clueless to know that what Gary and I are struggling with here means that we have to work harder as parents to be an advocate for Zach and work harder to "fix" a broken relationship between part time siblings.